IN DEFENSE OF A SMALL PERUVIAN BOY AND HIS MONKEY.

Okay, here is an argument I've been making for quite a while. I'm tired of Ma-Ti, better known as "Heart" of the Planeteers, getting all this flak about being the worst Planeteer. This is a lie. Only a PHILISTINE would ever believe this nonsense. I apologize if I mispell any names, I haven't actually seen this show in a while. But here is a fairly direct argument as to why I believe this.

When asking the question "Who is the weakest Planeteer?", you have to imagine the group after said Planeteer has left and they're down to four. I'm working under the assumption that the four can still call Captain Planet, as the subtraction of any Planeteer would have the same effect in this aspect. It's better to imagine Captain Planet picking a Planeteer to cut. What team does he want working on the problem for the first 20 minutes of the show?

Really the key to any given situation the Planeteers found themselves in was never brute force or physical strength. Besides, every episode ended with Captain Planet doing the brunt of the actual dirty work. Really it's the Planeteers contributions up to that point that matter. Sure, their elements helped but really they used their heads to take care of problems. It was how they approached the problem, and thought it through that saved them from bind after bind after ecologically disastrous bind. So I've broken down each Planeteer's strengths as a thinker and team member.

EARTH.
In a metaphorically appropriate fashion, Kwame was the cornerstone of the group. Kwame's role was always to call for cool-headed meditation on the problem, carefully weighing the consequences of any decision. He was always careful not to pick fights unnecessarily, a proponent of laying low, and down for some good ol' fashioned prudence. Kwame was the offensive line of the Planeteers, the foundation on which all the others build. The clever segue here would to make him "Dear Prudence" by the Beatles, the foundation on which all the others build. But in terms of general impression, I think of him as Depeche Mode. DON'T ASK.

FIRE.
Wheeler was the caricature American street kid - he had a mouth, he was impulsive, didn't really have a broad knowledge base, but man did he have guts and American know-how. Wheeler was always the one who said what everyone was thinking, and would suck it up and make the tough call. He was by far the most altruistic of Planeteers, as he would always flame someone then be stuck in a block of ice or something for like 5 TV minutes, which is an eternity. He would also stress independence and self-reliance, something the rest of them could use. He wouldn't get a papercut and call Captain Planet. Wheeler has so many American music analogues its not even funny, most notably Johnny Cash, but also including Robert Pollard of Guided By Voices, Ian McKaye of Fugazi/Minor Threat, and even Pavement.

(conspicuous absence of WIND here)

WATER.
Gi was the strategist of the group. That broad knowledge base Wheeler lacked? The writers gave it to the Asian girl. What Gi lacked in social skills she made up for in cunning. She knew how to think scientifically and at times surprisingly out of the box. Challenge Gi with an iron pipe and she'll bust out a magnet. That sort of thing. She had the booksmarts that no other character had. She was a genius able to think several steps ahead - Gi is quite clearly Devo.

HEART.
My opponents are right - Ma-Ti's ring was an impotent trinket next to Wheeler's flamethrower. But putting theatrics aside, Ma-Ti's outlook was the driving force behind the Planeteers. His wide-eyed idealism, his uncompromising defense of life, and his intense connection with the earth pushed the show past being a flaccid 30-minute public service announcement and into a show of substance, one with an honest message to send with its story. Ma-Ti didn't just speak to dolphins. Ma-Ti spoke to that little whimpering piece of wilderness still left in the TV-torched brainrot that was my mind as a seven-year-old. Ma-Ti was the real deal, a throwback to ancient man living in a television set. Anyone that argues that Ma-Ti had a petty role to play in Captain Planet needs to stop and think for maybe five seconds, about how the Planeteers operated, and more importantly why the Planeteers operated at all. Anyone with minimal reasoning faculties can figure out that Ma-Ti is indispensable. If you disagree with me on this point, I seriously think you're an idiot and probably shouldn't be allowed to vote. I don't even think this about Ayn Rand fans. Ma-Ti is organic and reaches us in a way that's fresh and unique, yet familiar: Ma-Ti is Animal Collective, Neutral Milk Hotel, Joan Baez... DOT DOT DOT.

WIND. Linka was a blonde Russian girl that was only added to the show for symmetry's sake. It was the late 80s and she was politically necessary. Linka was there for romantic purposes (a Wheeler-Gi romance would be just not be believable). She was leggy, she had an accent, and she played hard to get. Linka was a creation of the modern media, a completely contrived character made ready-to-order to fill out the ranks. Talking about wind vs. heart as if they are superhero powers is, once again, irrelevant in the context of the show. Linka belongs on a collectivized Ukrainian farm, where she harvests advertising. Linka is Sigue Sigue Sputnik, an abortion of a band. If their were a band called the Filthy Communists, she'd be them too.

This didn't have very much to do with music and I apologize but this needed to be aired out.